1.
「媽，你一早就知道吧。」陽太氣沖沖地衝到廚房去，由起子緊隨其後，想拉著他，卻又手足無措。
陽太的媽媽正在廚房準備散壽司，這天是陽太爸爸的生忌，每當爸爸及陽太的生日，媽媽都會準備散壽司，被甜醋及昆布上湯染成了米白色的壽司飯上，舖著滿滿的鮮黃色的蛋絲，不比一般散壽司豐感，卻有著最樸素的美味。陽太的爸爸在早兩個月時，因病突然過世了，媽媽仍然沒改變造散壽司的習慣。
媽媽邊翻著米飯，邊撥著扇，把熱騰騰的米飯扇涼，聽到陽太的話，回過頭來，瞥見他拿在手裡的照片，又別過面去。
「媽，你一早就知道吧。」陽太再次說。媽媽默不作聲，空氣裡飄散著甜醋的香氣。
2.
今天早上，由起子來到陽太的家裡，幫忙整理爸爸的遺物，然後，在一堆硬皮的小說集裡，他們發現了爸爸的日記。裡面夾著十數封情書，以及他跟一個男人相擁著的合照。
爸爸生前，由起子每次陽太家用餐，他都不曾缺席。印象中，爸爸是一個詳和而不多話的人，大家在聊天時，他從不搭話，但臉上總帶著微笑，唯一說的話，就是稱讚媽媽的料理。由起子清楚記得爸爸的笑容，如同露水滴在湖面上泛起的漣漪般，柔和而安靜。照片中的爸爸，笑容卻如炎夏的陽光般，燦爛而火熱。至於在他懷裡的那位，由起子似乎也在哪兒踫過面，卻想不起來。
「這不就是喪禮上那個小林叔叔嗎？」陽太瞪著照片中的人，由起子讀不清他的表情，是狐疑，是慌亂，還是憤怒。
3.
喪禮分兩天進行，第二天，火化及撿骨的過程結束了，大伙兒來到殯儀館的休息室，享用殯儀公司預備的午餐。親友們在剛才封棺時的悲痛，已經緩緩地散去了，但由起子想起媽媽把花放進棺木時，握著爸爸的手，邊流淚邊說謝謝時的情景，仍然心頭一悸。休息室的一旁設了臨時的靈位，爸爸的照片及骨灰罈給仔細地安放好。由起子看著照片裡爸爸的柔和而安靜的微笑，總覺得他也在休息室裡，聽著大伙兒說舊事。
媽媽突然拉著由起子及陽太，來到坐在休息室一角的一位中年男人跟前。男人似乎嚇了一跳，錯愕起抬起頭來，細腫的雙眼起初看來有點迷惘，看清眼前人後才又定過神來。
「這是一郎和我的孩子陽太，這是他的未婚妻由起子。」媽媽跟男人介紹說，然後轉向陽太，頓了頓，才說：「這是，一直很照顧你爸爸的小林叔叔。」
小林叔叔握著陽太伸過去的手，「原來一郎的孩子這麼大了。他，很少跟我談起家事。」由起子看到小林叔叔眼角的淚光。
回到席上，由起子總不自覺地朝小林叔叔望去，他大概不認識媽媽以外的親友，誰也沒跟他聊天，他也沒跟誰聊天，桌上的飯餐也不踫，只是默默地坐在角落裡，凝看著爸爸的遺照片。良久，他站起來，拿起了小酒杯及一瓶清酒，走到遺照前，倒了兩杯，一杯一飲而盡，一杯放在照片跟前，然後輕輕撫了撫骨灰罈，俏然地離去了。
4.
「媽，你一早就知道吧。」陽太再次說。媽媽默不作聲，空氣裡飄散著甜醋的香氣。
「你怎樣不告訴我？」媽媽仍然沒理會陽太的發問，快速起切著雞蛋皮。刀刃落在木切菜板上聲音急迫卻沉穩，單薄的雞蛋皮隨即化作了細絲，她溫柔地將它們灑在壽司飯上。
「我總有權知道爸的事情吧！」對於一直沉默的媽媽，陽太開始有點不耐煩。
「但你爸也有權保留自己的隱私吧。」陽太聽罷媽媽的話，一時語塞。
「他這樣很不負責任呢。既然他喜歡男生，為甚麼要跟你結婚？為甚麼要你跟他生孩子？」
「陽太，你爸對你，對我，對這個家，一直都很負責。」媽媽一把一把地將蛋絲舖在飯上，將堆得太高的撥到一邊去，填補堆得太低的，動作如此用心。
「你不覺得這根本是欺騙嗎？」陽太緊盯著媽媽。媽媽驀然停下手來，眼睛卻沒有離開盆內的散壽司。
「陽太，你喜歡我做的散壽司嗎？」媽媽用毛巾擦著手，說。
「⋯⋯喜歡。為甚麼突然這樣問？」陽太皺了皺眉，不明所以，但仍回答道。
「那你喜歡我做的甜蛋壽司嗎？」
「⋯⋯喜歡。怎麼了？」
「散壽司和甜蛋壽司，材料其實是一樣的⋯⋯雖然形狀不同，但都是相同的東西啊。」媽媽笑說。
5.
飯後，陽太不發一言地回到房間去，由起子看著他憤然的背影，她知道，他只是對於突如其來的消息有點消化不良。
由起子跟媽媽收拾了碗碟，在流理台前將碗碟洗淨擦乾時，由起子問道：「媽媽跟爸爸結婚多久了。」
「嗯⋯⋯三十年了吧。」
「所以媽媽做了三十年散壽司了。」
「是呢。而且沒多久陽太便出生了，每年還得做兩次。我自己生日時，他爸只叫外賣壽司而已。」媽媽裝出生氣狀，然後兩人都笑了。
由起子說把最後一隻碟子擦乾淨，收到櫃子裡，說：「以後媽媽生日時的散壽司，就由我來做吧。」
*
甜蛋散壽司
材料
壽司飯：米 2 杯、水 2 杯、昆布 約 2 克、清酒 1 湯匙、米醋 50毫升、砂糖 2湯匙、鹽 1/2湯匙
甜蛋：雞蛋 4 個、味醂 1 湯匙、鹽少許
做法
1. 將昆布、清酒、水和米一起放進電飯煲裡煮。
2. 米醋、砂糖及鹽混合，稍為加熱，攪拌至糖及鹽全溶化。
3. 將 (2) 拌入煮好的米飯中，仔細拌均勻後，盛在盆子裡。
4. 雞蛋、味醂及鹽混合，煎成單薄的蛋皮。
5. 將蛋皮平均灑在飯上。
6. 可隨喜好加入熟蝦、紫菜等。
1.
“Mom, you knew it from the beginning,” Hatuta said while stomping into the kitchen. Trying to keep up with him, Yukiko wanted to stop him but had no idea how to.
Hatuta’s mother was preparing Chirashi-sushi in the kitchen for the birthday of Hatuta’s late father. Making Chirashi-sushi is the annual ritual she does on both Hatuta and his father’s birthdays. Her version of Chirashi-sushi is simply mixing sushi rice with sweet vinegar and kombu dashi, before covering it with a thick layer of thin strips of eggs. Although it is not as sumptuous as the usual Chirashi-sushi, it has a wonderfully subtle taste. Hatuta’s father passed away from a sudden illness two months ago. Regardless of this, his mother continues with her habit of making Chirashi-sushi.
Mother was fanning and stirring the rice to cool it down. Having heard Hatuta’s voice, she turned around to him and instantly turned away after seeing the photo in his hands.
“Mom, you knew it from the beginning?” Hatuta asked again. She remained silent in the kitchen filled with the strong fragrance of sweet vinegar.
2.
Earlier in the morning, Yukiko went to Hatuta’s place to help to organize the belongings of his late father. Among a pile of hard-cover novels, they found his father’s diary, which was hiding tens of love letters, as well as a photo of him hugging another man.
When his father was still alive, Yukiko would always see him when having dinner at their place. She remembered him as a gentle and quiet person who rarely talks during their gatherings. He always carried a smile on his face, and the only occasion that he would speak was to praise the food Hatuta’s mother made. His smile was as gentle as a ripple the morning dew makes when falling onto a pond. It was so tender and soft. Unlike how Yukiko remembered, his smile in the photo was so bright like the mid-summer sun. She could not recall who was this man in his arm although she had a vague impression of seeing him.
“Isn’t this Kobayashi who also attended the funeral?” Yukiko could not tell if Haututa was doubtful, agitated or angry.
3.
The funeral lasted for two days. On the second day after the cremation and the rituals that followed, everyone went to the lounge in the funeral home to have lunch provided by the funeral service company. Most of the guests have calmed down from the sorrow they had when closing the casket, but Yukiko could not forget how Hatuta’s mother placed the flowers inside of the casket — she held the hands of her late husband, cried while saying thank you to him. There was a temporary memorial tablet on one side of the lounge. Looking at his photo sitting next to the urn, his gentle smile made Yukiko felt as if he was also in the room listening to everyone reminiscing the past.
Hatuta’s mother suddenly dragged Yukiko and Hatuta to the corner of the room to introduce them to a man in his mid-age, who was caught by surprise. He looked up with a pair of puffy and confused eyes. It took him a while to realize who they were.
“This is Ichiro’s and my son Hatuta and his fiancee Yukiko,” his mother told the man before turning to Hatuta and hesitatingly said, “This is Uncle Kobashiya. He has always been very nice to your father.”
Kobashiya shook hand with Hatuta and said, “I didn’t know Ichiro had such a big son. He rarely mentioned to me about his family.” At the corners of Kobashiya’s eyes, Yukiko could still see traces of tears.
After returning to the table, Yukiko could not help from glancing at Kobashiya. Hatuta’s mother was perhaps the only person he knew in the room since he did not interact with anyone else. He quietly sat at the corner glaring at the photo on the memorial tablet without eating or drinking. In the end, he finally stood up with two small cups and a bottle of sake in his hands. Standing in front of the memorial tablet, he poured two cups of sake, one he finished in one gulp, the other he placed next to the photo. Afterward, he gently touched the urn before leaving quietly.
4.
“Mom, you knew it from the beginning?” Hatuta asked again. She remained silent in the kitchen filled with the strong fragrance of sweet vinegar.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” His mother continued to neglect his question. She simply went on with preparing the egg crepe into strips. Along with the rapid and deep sound the knife made when hitting on the chopping board, the egg crepe soon became a pile of thin strips that she carefully placed on top of the rice.
“I have the right to know about dad!” Hatuta could no longer stand his mother’s silence.
“Your dad has the right to keep his privacy too.” Hearing this, Hatuta could not react to his mother’s reply.
“That was so irresponsible. If he were into men, why did he marry you? Why did you bear a child for him?”
“Hatuta, your dad had always been a dedicated person who cared about you, me, and our family,” she said while continuing to spread the egg evenly on the rice. Her movement looked so careful and delicate.
“Don’t you think it was cheating?” Hatuta fixed his stare on his mother. She finally stopped working on the Chirashi-sushi but without moving her eyes away from it.
“Hatuta, do you like the Chirashi-sushi I make?” she wiped her hands with a towel and asked.
“Well, I do. Why did you ask?” he frowned and answered although he had no clue of why she asked.
“Then do you like the tamago sushi I make?”
“I do. Why is that?”
“Chirashi-sushi and tamago sushi are made with the same ingredients. They are the same thing regardless of the difference in appearance,” she laughed and said.
5.
After dinner, Hatuta returned to his room without a word. Looking at his back moving away sadly, she could tell this sudden discovery was too much for him to handle.
Yukiko stayed to help to do the dishes. The two of them were drying the dishes in the kitchen, then she asked, “How long have you been married?”
“Hmm… 30 years, maybe.”
“So you have been making Chirashi-sushi for 30 years?”
“That’s true. Hatuta was born soon after our marriage. Since then, I had to make Chirashi-sushi twice per year. His dad only knew to order sushi for my birthday,” she pretended to be angry when saying this. The two of them laughed together.
“How about I make Chirashi-sushi for your birthday from now on?” said Yukiko.
*
Chirashi-sushi with sweetened egg
Ingredients:
Sushi rice:
2 cups of rice, 2 cups of water, 2 g of kombu, 1 tbsp of sake, 50 ml of rice vinegar, 2 tbsp of sugar, ½ tbsp of salt
Sweetened egg:
4 eggs, 1 tbsp mirin, a pinch of salt
Steps:
1. Cook rice together with kombu, sake, and water.
2. Mix rice vinegar with sugar and salt, heat up slightly. Stir until sugar and salt dissolve.
3.Mix the cooked rice with the seasoned vinegar from step 2. Put the rice in a big bowl.
4. Mix eggs with mirin and salt. Prepare egg crepe in a pan.
5. Spread strips of egg on top of rice.
6. Add cooked shrimps, seaweed and other optional toppings.
