剛才我跟醫生說，我服用那種新藥物似乎不見效，症狀也變差了。他問了幾個問題，認為吃藥沒好轉，一切都是我的問題，與他的診斷和藥物沒關，接連責罵了好久。我聽他訓斥說教，嗯嗯哦哦給些反應，間中笑一個。
朋友在旁聽着，離開診症室後，她說那些都是超出醫生範圍該說的事，理應投訴他才對，又問我怎麼能被罵成這樣都不生氣，好不佩服云云。「他所說難聽的話都是源自自己的情緒，話都是說給自己聽的啊。他口中指責的人不是我，沒甚麼好生氣。而且，他出發點也是想我好起來，應該是吧。」 我輕鬆的說。我只是想像醫生經歷了甚麼，會跟病人說出那種令人難堪的話。
言語投射出內心世界，反映人如何觀看他者，當中透露的訊息，遠比文字一撇一捺多，都落在字裡行間。當然，我沒法知道怎樣的經歷令他說那些話。他大概也曾難過，也聽過相同難堪的話，積下沒法消化的情緒，帶着它一直生活。放不下，過不去，眼中看到人或事也帶着無明的濾鏡，難以清楚觀察真實的自己和周遭，並騰出空間，療癒過去的自己。我們從小學習律己以嚴，待人以寬。成長後，我們怎樣都不可以也對自己寬容一點，對那位在種種期望與框架下成長的自己寬容一點呢？
無故被罵了一頓，沒有生氣，卻難免納悶。回到家裏，想吃點甜。廚房常備麵粉、牛油、糖，加上幾個放了不知多久的蘋果，拿起看看，仍很香。其中一個帶一道很深的傷痕，大概是收割時所留下，不礙事，足夠烤個蘋果金寶了。這道家常甜點簡單不過，有上述四種材料便可，沒蘋果也可以用香梨、硬核水果，甚至香蕉替代。手邊有肉桂可加一些，喜歡乾果也可以撒一把。有雪糕或奶酪伴着吃就錦上添花。蘋果切粒，略煮；麵粉、糖和冰凍牛油的混和，鋪在果肉上，放到焗爐、氣炸鍋或小多士爐，焗至表面金黃即可，幾乎沒技巧可言，十分forgiving，20分鐘後便有窩心的甜點，在大冷天吃更讓人快樂。
我吃一口浸沉在溫暖吉士醬裏的蘋果金寶，滿嘴香甜，細嚼口中那柔軟的蘋果粒和香脆的牛油甜酥，五音不全的我不自覺哼起破落的調，心想：「嗯嗯，真的沒甚麼大不了啊。」
有些食物，吃了以後，我會瞬間舒懷，感到沒甚麼過不去、感到「人生中真是沒甚麼事那麼大不了啊」，而於我那是微辣的肉醬意粉（要大口大口吃才有療效）及有點剛出爐的蘋果金寶。希望大家也找到屬於自己那份吃了很舒懷的食物，那麼心裏騰出空間，容讓自己與自己和好。
Back in the room I told my doctor that the new prescription didn’t seem working and how my symptoms worsened. He asked a few questions and decided that it’s my own issue, nothing to do with the diagnosis and medicine. He then chided me for a good while. I sat and listened to his reprimand, and gave a “yea”, “right” and, sporadically, faint grins.
My friend, being in the same room, said afterwards what the doctor said was so out of the line and I should file a complaint. She asked in awe how could I not be mad for all his accusations. “Every terrible thing he said was from his emotion and was for himself. Whoever he was accusing was not me, so, nothing to be mad about. Besides, all he wanted was me to recover soon. I think so.”, I said lightly. What I had in mind was, however, what the doctor had been through for him to make such embarrassing comments to his patient.
What one says reveals his or her inner world and one’s perspective towards the others. Messages encoded in an utterance tell more than words; everything is translated between lines. Of course, I had no clue about what the doctor had been through, but it was probably hard for him. He might too hear the same disturbing judgements. Emotions unprocessed, we live on carrying it. Not letting go, we then live on seeing the world with a filter of delusion, obscuring how we see our real self and the surroundings and taking up the space needed to heal our past. Growing up we learn to be strict on ourselves while forgiving others. Why couldn’t we now be more lenient with ourselves, with the persons who grew up in all sorts of expectations and limitations?
I was not fuming about the perplexing judgements but, still, flabbergasted. I wanted something sweet after I got home. Flour, butter and sugar were pantry staples. With some apples that had been sitting in the kitchen for I don’t know how long, and one of which had a deep wound that was probably caused during picking. Apple crumble it is. This is a simple dessert that only needs the four ingredients mentioned. Use pear, stone fruit or even banana if you do not have apples on hand. Add a dash of cinnamon if you have the spice, a handful of dried fruit if you desire. Topping it with ice cream or custard will simply double the happiness. Dice the apples and give them a quick simmer. Rub the flour, sugar and cold butter together and sprinkle the mixture onto the apples. Stick it into the oven, air-fryer or toaster and bake until the crumbles turn golden. Totally no brainer and very forgiving. In 20 minutes, you have a heartwarming dessert which tastes even merrier on cold days.
I put a spoonful of apple crumble drenched in warm custard into mouth. So sweet. I chewed on the soft apple and crunchy, buttery crumbles. Asomeone who couldn’t sing at all, I couldn’t help but humming broken tunes, and thought “hmm, really no biggie.”
Some food brings me instantly relieve and makes me think that there is nothing in the world I cannot get over with and that “nothing in life really matters that much”. For me, those dishes are pasta Bolognese with a touch of heat (you have to eat it in really big gulps for that comforting effect) and apple crumble fresh from the oven. I hope everyone has found that dish that brings you relief and comfort, freeing up heart space for you to make peace with yourself.
蘋果金寶配奶酪
材料：
蘋果餡料
中型蘋果 2個
黃糖 2湯匙
中筋麵粉 1湯匙
肉桂粉 適量
牛油甜酥
中筋麵粉 50克
黃糖 1.5湯匙
無鹽牛油 25克
海鹽 一小撮
奶酪做法可參考這裏
做法：
Apple Crumble with Custard
Ingredients:
For apple filling
Medium apples 2 pieces
Brown sugar 2 tablespoons
All-purpose flour 1 tablespoon
Cinnamon powder A dash
For the crumble
All-purpose flour 100g
Brown sugar 1.5 tablespoons
Unsalted butter 25g
Sea salt A pinch
For custard recipe, you can refer to here.
Steps:
Jo Liu
It’s raining outside, crisp and bleak. Three chubby sparrows took shelter on my balcony and I gave them the baguette bits left on my breakfast plate but they flew away. I stayed in, played Damien Rice on vinyl and made apple crumble. Repeat.
Instagram: foodialoguehk
